Running saved my life

When depression hit, Zoe Margolis felt suicidal. Pills and therapy did nothing to help, but then she got out her old trainers and began to jog

At the start of this year, I was in the depths of the worst depression I have ever experienced. My public face was a mask of success, confidence and happiness, but, privately, I was defeated. The long-term relationship that I had hoped would last the rest of my life and lead to children had ended, painfully. Work was at a standstill and I was broke. I felt overweight and unhappy with my tired, sluggish body, and was unable to concentrate on anything apart from my persistent grief and self-loathing. I am a writer who has always written openly about my thoughts and feelings, so my inability to do so didn’t seem like writer’s block – my entire existence felt worthless.

Every waking moment was filled with crushing anxiety and heavy sadness. I couldn’t sleep, and all I seemed to be capable of achieving each day was crying, mourning lost opportunities both personal and professional. After months of a broken heart, I felt I had used up all my “listening ear” favours with friends, and that my permanently low mood made me unattractive company. I longed for quiet, for my brain to shut up. I was isolated, overwhelmed and suffocated by my depression. I considered suicide and began to self-harm. I found that external pain temporarily numbed my internal pain. I knew I was at my lowest ebb.

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