It’s one of the deadliest diseases on the planet, often still shrouded in a sense of shame. And for men under 35, suicide following depression is now the leading cause of death. Novelist Matt Haig recounts his own experience of suicidal thoughts and the long path to recovery
• Matt Haig Q&A: ‘My solution to depression was never medical’
I can remember the day the old me died. It started with a thought. Something was going wrong. That was the start. Before I realised what it was. And then, a second or so later, there was a strange sensation inside my head. Some biological activity in the rear of my skull, not far above my neck. The cerebellum. A pulsing or intense flickering, as though a butterfly was trapped inside, and a tingling sensation. I did not yet know of the strange physical effects depression and anxiety would create. I just thought I was about to die. And then my heart started to go. Then I started to go. I sank, fast, falling into a new claustrophobic and suffocating reality. And it would be way over a year before I would feel anything like even half-normal again.
The weird thing about depression is that, even though you might have suicidal thoughts, the fear of death is the same
Related: Suicide and silence: why depressed men are dying for somebody to talk to
I am not anti pill. I am pro anything that works and I know pills do work for a lot of people
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